Numb

"And more has changed, the gaze that would report

your gaze is gone. You see the eyes you seem

to know, but you cannot remember how,

or if it matters anymore."

- Jeet Thayil ('After')
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The verses of Sahir, Faiz, Faraz -
All seemed to miss you.
Thoughts born from their reading
Went simply unshared.
The loss of a cherished friend
Was so very bothersome,
The nights got long, lonely, silent.
A churning of my beliefs, 
Questioning of my understanding,
Slow-burning of myself.  
I was guilty of what I had put you
Through, very guilty.

Years passed by, a risk looms large.
Pain of loss is fading off.
I am afraid I am turning numb
To nuances of the heart.
There was a time when feelings
Made me cry, jump in joy.
I now make only rational arguments
The romantic is dying in me.
Urge to share, Need of company 
Gradually growing alien.
Guilt overpowered by wise(?) reason.
All feels like time's treason.

With passage of time, we are past.
And what remains of us
Is not necessarily what we were.
In contrast to Ghalib's verse*,
Where he pleaded the loved one to
Call him back, since he was
Not time, that couldn't be retracted,
I wonder if we are all like time.
Once past, there is no calling back of
What we were in the moment
That just flew by and is gone forever.
Forever, to return never.

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*मेहरबाँ हो के बुला लो मुझे चाहो जिस वक़्त 

मैं गया वक़्त नहीं हूँ कि फिर आ भी न सकूँ |

 mehrbāñ ho ke bulā lo mujhe chāho jis vaqt
maiñ gayā vaqt nahīñ huuñ ki phir aa bhī na sakūñ 

- Ghalib

(Being kind, call for me whenever you wish to.
I am not elapsed time that I can not return ever)