"In love, the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."
- Erich Fromm
Silence speaks the most profound. My best compositions happen when I am allowed the privilege to get soaked in silence. And the beauty of that composition sinks in only if the listener too can afford silence and surrender absolutely to the composition. The market demands music that sells and I believe music is the one that heals.
It was another season of work and pressure in which my work of music simply got criticised for the lack of authentic feel. I don't understand how could possibly feelings be injected into music? Sick and tired, I decided to take a break and drive away from all this chaos into the countryside where I believe time doesn't run! A clear cloudless star studded sky watched over as I drove along. At about half past midnight, to drive alone without a destination to reach, on the roads where in all probabilities you won't encounter a fellow traveler, oh, what pleasure it is! The pleasure is aggravated if you too are a girl like me whose only wish is to be winged!!
I love to work, but I love to abandon work when it is just about to overpower me. Work is such a necessity, if not for it, insanity would have been our only option. It gives meaning to our existence, finances our extravagance and keeps us entertained in the company of foolish intellects and intellectual fools! Yet, too much of any good thing also has bad effects. So, the best escape from the pressures of work is to simply forget it for the moment. As I drove into the wilderness, I was mesmerized by the lyrical harmony of the night. In a place of immense serenity, I stopped to savour those moments of beauty, where the night, stripped off her urban glamor dazzled as the true self she was. May be the night too was happy, I could sense her joy - the joy of striking a meet with a good old friend.
While I was getting drenched in this shower of joy, I noticed across the road, at the edge of the cliff someone staring at the stars. Who could it possibly be at this hour of night, I wondered. Maybe someone like me, out on an escape from all that which holds us under pressure! Does that person too stare at the stars with the dream to be winged and fly over to them one day, as I do dream? Overpowered by curiosity, I crossed the road and walked towards the edge of the cliff. In that moonlit beauty of the night, I found a handsome guy lost in his own world of thoughts. The ambience around, the cool breeze in flow, oh, there was melody and rhythm in the silence that pervaded.
"Hi," my shrill voice pierced the silence, "seem to be enjoying the solitude of the beautiful night?"
The guy drowned in his thoughts, woke up to reality and seemed surprised as he replied "How do you 'enjoy' something? I don't understand what enjoyment is."
"Come on, every species born on earth knows what enjoyment is! You fine?", I asked as I sat by his side on the cliff.
"Well, I was not born on earth. And this is my first visit to earth."
"What!? Come on, What do you mean?"
"Well, maybe I should explain. When anyone dies on earth, they are either liberated or get trapped in a world between that of earth and that of liberation. A fulfilled life begets liberation while unfulfilled desires entrap you in the world between until they are fulfilled. Once the greatest of our desire gets fulfilled, we get liberation. I am from that world of between."
"Hey, does that really exist? I thought that was all simply thoughts of fantasy?"
"All existence too is a thought of fantasy. Wanna make sure what I say is true? Touch me but you shall not sense me!"
And that was the surprise of a lifetime for me! He was simply visible, but beyond my sensory feel of touch. That sent a shock down my spine. The silence now felt had a tint of horror in it. The melody and rhythm simply vanished. Mustering courage, I asked "But is not it strange that the desire that entraps is the same desire that liberates?"
"Yeah, it is. But, maybe liberation too is a kind of trap and it is desired simply because its nature is unknown. I don't know, we only know when we have been through it."
"You sound profound. What is your desire and how come are you on earth now?"
"Mine is a case of complication in the world of between. Most of the inhabitants there are born on earth, they have desires and get liberated once those desires get fulfilled. Unlike all of them, I was not born on earth. My mother was. She died in her pregnancy and I was born in the world of between. She got liberated the moment I was born because they told me her desire was to give birth to me. I grew up as an orphan who knew nothing of earth, nothing of the earthly desires. Since no desire exists in me and what does not exist can never be fulfilled, I am eternally bound to the world of between. I was sent to earth to understand what 'desire' is and to 'desire' something so that I too could be granted liberation once the 'desire' got fulfilled. By the way, maybe the profoundness you find in me is simply my lack of awareness of desire!"
"Oh! That is a complicated background. I feel sorry for you."
"But, why sorry? I do not understand."
"Well, you need help. To understand 'desire' you will have to understand 'emotion' and to understand 'emotion' you will have to understand 'feelings'. Like the enjoyment I mentioned early on is an emotional response to certain feelings that are born in us. Once 'feelings' arise in you, 'emotions' too will appear and 'desire' shall follow soon."
"That doesn't make much sense. Can you help me discover 'feelings' then?"
I was reluctant. I myself had wondered many times if I was sure of the feelings I experienced. Never was I sure, except on deciding every time that I was simply confused. Maybe every one in my age is actually just confused! Gosh, what a situation was I in! A girl yet to understand her own feelings, I was now asked to help a guy, that too a kind of alien guy, discover his feelings! I could not say no to him, as I really felt sorry for him. Or was I being sympathetic to him? As I tried all through the night to help him understand what feelings were, I kept confusing myself and the guy. As we struggled to define the feeling of sympathy that was being born in me, I slowly realized feelings actually fluctuate. We met as a result of my curiosity, I decided to help him out of sympathy and now I enjoy his company because there is born friendship. Oh God, have anyone's feelings ever found ground?
The night was beautiful and as I explored through the world of feelings and emotions, I understood how difficult it was to define feelings in the right way like striking the right note at the right time. Maybe feelings do not have apt definitions like how the tones of music can never be aptly defined by language. They can only be experienced, I suppose. I allowed him to experience the joy of sharing someone's company, the joy of talking to someone with open heart, the joy of being your own self without worrying about the perceptions the world around harbors about you, the joy of getting lost in your own self and the joy of discovering the soul of a friend.
It was time for sunrise and I realised I was getting late and had to leave. I asked him if he did actually experience any feelings, he could name none. I had poured my entire heart into this guy and yet he could not feel? That sounded harsh to me, yet given his circumstance maybe I was over expecting. As I bid goodbye and drove back, I was feeling lost. Once we pour our heart out to someone, maybe it is impossible to be the same again. The mesmerizing beauty of the night, the excitement of explaining feelings to the guy, I guess I had stumbled across that special melody which sets in when everything would appear more beautiful. Maybe I miss him, maybe I crave for his company. What joy was it, that made me pour my heart out to an absolute stranger? An intimacy was born over a night with the stranger and there was a feel of happiness in every sound I heard. In the chirp of the bird, in the whistle of the breeze, in the fall of the dew, in the rustle of the leaves, in the whisper of the world! Maybe I am in love! Lost in the feel of happiness that the melody of love induces, I drove into the rushing traffic of the city and jammed into the vehicle ahead.
Before I could realise, I was dead to the earth and found myself in the world of the between. Maybe love alone has this miraculous power to excite you when you should mourn! I was dead, yet extremely excited. I could meet the guy whom my heart loved, live with him in all joy I ever hoped. I rushed in search of him. On inquiring, I learnt he returned in the morning with tears. The first time he was seen in tears. He had been to earth in search of desire but returned with a strange unbearable feeling of burden. When prodded, it was learnt it was 'the pain', the source and end of all feelings, emotions and desires. The pain which he could not define why. Well, what could define love if not pain? He too was in love, though he knew not. He desired to have his loved one with him in his world.
What immense pleasure to know that the feeling of love born in our heart for someone is simultaneously born in theirs too! My happiness knew no bounds. And what beauty was fate, we fell in love and fate killed me to bring into his world! He must be happy too. He knew not what desire was and the moment he desired me, I am here!
But wait, the moment his desire was satisfied, he must be liberated out of the world of between. And I desire my love who is liberated and hence I stay entrapped in the world of between forever!?
The desire that liberates is the same that entraps?
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