Ramblings of an Outcast

Painting by Sir Peter Paul Rubens
Picture credit: http://www.abcgallery.com/R/rubens/rubens106.html

जो भी मैं कहना चाहूँ

बरबाद करे, अलफ़ाज़ मेरे!

(Whatever I wish to say,

By my words, destroyed are they!)

                        - Irshaad Kamil(In the soul-stirring lyrics

                      for the movie 'Rockstar')

If at all you look at me,
Then look at me, as I am;
And not as I could have been
Or as you had wished me to be.

I am now, only what I am.
Neither what I once was.
Nor what I once maybe.
If I have changed, then so have I.
Changed when felt a need to.
What is wrong, if to me I heed to?

Spare the prejudices and preoccupations.
Dodge thy taught perception and comparison.
Deep in my eyes, don't you see your reflection?
I too am like you.
Haunted by guilt, Burdened by desires
            And driven by dreams.
Frustrated in pursuits, lost in victories
            And won in defeats.
In true love, only with myself.

Confess in solitude; Conceal in multitude.
Perfected by the imperfections of my attitude.
Flawed, the way we all are, but not faked.
Baked, the way life roasts us all, not exempted.
Is not this you?
Or is it still only me?

Well, I derive a unique pleasure
Common to the outcast genre!
Pleasure in the pride
Of dancing to my own tunes and rhymes!
Unfettered by the truth or vanity of these dreams,
I live, in ecstasy - as if flowing through life's streams.

When death knocks my door
I wish I die a mad dog's death.
One I have dreamed and craved often for.
As I lay in my death -
If at all you look at me,
Then look at me, as I am;
And not as I could have been
Or as you had wished me to be.